


Night Raven College Sex Ed 101: Be Prepared

by saezutte



Category: Twisted-Wonderland (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Disney References, M/M, Nazi mention, Song fic, crack for real in the early 2000s sense of crack, safe sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 06:54:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30102003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saezutte/pseuds/saezutte
Summary: When Crowley takes a shortcut for the students' sex education, Leona finds himself interrupted during an evening with Vil... with a very important lesson, offered in song.(another entry in our server bad fic contest, I'm so sorry.)
Relationships: Leona Kingscholar/Vil Schoenheit
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	Night Raven College Sex Ed 101: Be Prepared

**Author's Note:**

> This got second place in Nanpasen 6, March 2021, which I'm very proud of because first place was >>>>mind explosion dot gif.<<< I don't know what to say about this except that my beta asked "are you going to do the whole song?" to which I said, of course, I have to. 
> 
> [Here's the song if you're not familiar with it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPUe7O3ODHQ) The soundtrack version starts with a spoken section not in the video that goes: “I never thought hyenas essential / They’re crude and unspeakably plain / But maybe they’ve a glimmer of potential / If allied to my vision and brain.”
> 
> Posting on main so I can link to it next time I'm accused of corrupting the youth—how can that be, I'm so educational.

Crowley sat at his desk. He had a vague feeling that he had forgotten something… something he was supposed to do… but how was that possible when he was such a kind headmaster! 

A buzz came from his NRC-issued tablet. He didn’t understand how to use the damn thing, but Ignihyde dormitory had insisted the college modernize its magical technology. The buzz came with a calendar notification: 

SEX ED CLASSES START. HIRE NEW TEACHER BY RIGHT NOW. 

Oops! The previous sexual education teacher had left after a scandal involving some questionable views on bestiality. Now was the time of the year when the students usually had their sex ed module and they had no one to teach it. Crewel was out, for obvious reasons. Trein had refused to take on this burden. Ashton was considered too much of a distraction to the hormonal teenagers already due to his musculature. The other teachers, who certainly existed, were not available because of reasons. Sam could potentially do it, but he would probably use it to sell aphrodisiacs… that could be a back-up plan. 

Crowley happened to know a spell, however, that might solve this. He opened his book of QUICK AND EASY TEACHING SPELLS FOR DUMMIES to a page labeled CATCHY SEX EDUCATION SPELL: STUDENTS TEACH THEMSELVES!!! THROUGH THE POWER OF SONG!

——

Leona finally had that haughty arrogant Vil right where he wanted him: spread eagle, face down on his bed, ready to take his thick lion prince cock. 

“Don’t worry about a condom,” said Vil. “I’m clean.” 

As a 20-year-old badass, Leona would usually be all for ignoring safety, but something made him pause. A breeze moved through the air. Suddenly he felt a compulsion to… sing? 

“I never thought condoms were pleasurable,” he spoke-sang in Vil’s ear, who glared at him.   
“They dull all feeling except pain,  
But alas their value is immeasurable,  
For any erotic prince with a brain…”

“Are you singing instead of fucking me?” Vil said with the shock of someone who had never had someone refuse to fuck him before. 

Leona stepped back from the bed, moving into the room to sing in earnest: 

“I know that your sexual mindset,   
Is as free as your legs are spread wide,  
But slut as you are, don’t regret—  
My words are a matter of …safe-sane-consensual-long-term-adult-sexual-activity!” 

Vil frowned. “That last part didn’t scan. Are you sure you’re not failing our Poetry and Pompous Speechmaking class?” 

“It’s a spell, you ass!” Leona howled, breaking free for a moment. “I’m not making up the words!” The spell caught him again quickly: 

“I can tell from your long list of partners   
You’re no innocent cub in the sack   
But STIs mean bugs in our down-theres!   
Only idiots get fucked bareback!” 

To his horror, he was now dancing as well. A shimmy and a shake as he opened a condom package and slipped it on his somehow still erect cock.

“So, prepare for the sex of a lifetime   
Informed by the latest-studies-on-sexual-health-in-adolescents,” 

He spun on tiptoes, brandishing his dick towards Vil. 

“My giant cat member   
Is wrapped in a rubber…” 

Vil rolled his eyes but still presented his ass. “Whatever, just fuck me already.”

Leona sang back: “Oh, I’ll get you all ready—

But the spell wasn’t done. It had more thoughts on their sexual practices. Leona sang: 

“I know it sounds messy   
But sex will be best, see,   
When at first, I use copious lube   
With your hole gaping and bared...” 

Leona breathed deep and belted, “You’ll be prepared!”

Vil sighed. “Do we have to do all this? For what?”

Leona growled. “For your protection!”

“Why? Are you sick?”

“No, fool, but I might be lying! And so might you!”

Vil dropped his ass back on the bed. “Ugh, who wants sex with the mood like this. No sex! No sex! La-la-la-la-la-la!” He looked surprised as the sing-song quality of the last phrase. 

Leona or the spell was getting frustrated. “Idiot! We can have sex!”

Vil pouted. “With all this hassle?” 

“Safe sex is sexy sex!” Leona roared. “Stick with me and you’ll be fucked healthily all night!”

Vil groaned. “All right, long live the safe sex king.”

Echoing Vil’s sarcasm with much more sincerity came chanting from around the room. “Long live the safe sex king! Long live the safe sex king!” 

Leona looked around wary of what fresh hell this was now. 

The room was full of… marching bottles of lube. They formed a military parade around the walls that resembled a Nazi documentary directed by famous female director and Hitler propagandist Leni Riefenstahl. Leona knew that reference because he had taken Night Raven College’s Introduction to Media Magic course as an elective in his second year. He didn’t know why it was necessary to teach high school students such a problematic film, but apparently the D— Corporation which sponsors Night Raven College’s media studies department had just acquired the rights to Triumph of the Will, completing their ownership over all film and media. 

The lube army continued the song: 

“It’s great that we’ll soon be moistening   
The hole of a beautiful boy,” 

Leona grabbed one bottle and squeezed. “Damnit, Vil, you’d better be listening / before your ass I destroy.” 

The lube bottle didn’t object to pouring out copious liquid onto Leona’s fingers, even though it was now, apparently, sentient. Leona began to spread the gel all over Vil’s ass. The bottles nodded encouragingly. 

From the nightstand, his box of condoms decided to join in on the song:

“Condoms come in various sizes   
To swaddle all of your love   
The point that we must emphasize is   
You can’t get fucked without glove!!!” 

They sounded rather angry about it and Leona was glad he’d already put one on. In their current state, they might bite his finger. 

With the ensorcelled lube bottles deciding that he’s finally prepped Vil enough, he lined up his cock against his asshole. At last. He had to sing: 

“So prepare for the sex of the century,   
Be prepared for the dirtiest night!”   
Sexual learning   
Plus hormonal yearning   
Ten minutes of denial  
So now that’s why I’ll—”

He thrust into Vil as deep as he could. The lube certainly worked like a charm.

“—Put my cock to its root in   
Though feeling’s diluted,   
You’ll see what a good lay I am!” 

His song was more of a roar towards the end, but he couldn’t hold back. Vil felt so good, despite the condom. Leona had to admit that the spell had taught him condoms were fine and that taking the time to properly prepare for safe sex didn’t take too much time out of their fucking schedule. 

He titled his head back to belt the end of the song, the lube bottles and condoms singing in chorus.

“Yes, my cock and your hole aren’t bare,   
We’re prepared!” 

He gathered energy for one last go:. 

“Yes, my cock and your hole aren’t bare,   
We’re—” 

He gestured to Vil—the spell wanted him to sing too, at least for the final line. 

Vil opened his mouth as though to sing his part. Instead, he said, “You’re definitely bottoming next time.” 

“What,” Leona squawked. The spell deflated around him. He pulled his disappointed penis out of Vil and collapsed beside him. 

“Safe sex is great,” Vil said, “But you go on a power trip when you top, it’s annoying.” 

“I’ll show you power trip,” Leona growled and pounced on him. 

\---

In his office, Crowley poised pen over his gradebook. “Kingscholar gets a B+, an admirable effort. Now, who is next... “


End file.
